If you are a step-parent or have married a person that has become a step-parent, listen up. In this episode I have a candid conversation with my husband on his experience as a new step-father . He gives us insights, tips and tools on what he has discovered through trial and error. Even if you have not remarried after divorce, the information is valuable for your future… especially if you are raising TEENS as a single divorced parent!

India: Welcome to the divorce recovery podcast. My name is India Kern. My intention is to encourage and guide you through the valley of divorce. It doesn’t matter what stage you are in because we all need a little help navigating the road from married to divorced. I’ve been there and I know how it is. So sit tight, listen up and enjoy the podcast. Welcome everyone. Today I have a special guest and it just happens to be my husband Bill Leversee or you can call him chief. It’s kind of cool that his name is ” Chief”and mine is “India.” Anyway, today we are going to be discussing step-parenting and step-parenting teens in particular and who better to interview than someone who is in the thick of it and that would be Chief, my husband. So now before we begin, I want to give the disclaimer, we do not have all the answers. In fact, we are new to the game too, but what we can share is our, our experience and what has worked for us and what has not worked for us. So let me begin with the first question. Bill, welcome.

Bill: Thank you. Nice to be here.

India: So what would you say are the most difficult parts about being a step-father and a new step-father that,

Bill: Oh gosh, where do I begin? Um, uh, there’s a number of things I would say as a, as a step parent, you, uh, you have a role as a parent yet, you’re not given as much power, uh, as you might like to have or as the biological parent has so, um, you also miss out on the bond, the bond that happens and transpires through, gosh, even dialing all the way back through the pregnancy to the birth of the child through the early years and maybe through some of the years that are more fun and more bonding. So when you get implanted, as I did at the teenager level, uh, a lot of that, uh, bonding time hasn’t hasn’t come about. And there’s also, you have to endure some of the natural resistance that happens. You’re not exactly, as welcome as your spouse is, you know, to you being in the picture now. And so there’s a resistance that comes from the kids, they’re not used to having a new person on the scene. And, uh, although you were happy that I came onto the scene and they, they may not have shared,

India: They might have that same feeling.

Bill: Exactly.

India: Yeah, so, um, it’s kind of like, I think of TJ, our dog who anytime you hug me, he jumps all over and whines and can’t stand it, he just can’t stand for anyone else to give me love. It’s very similar to the girls, right. I mean, wouldn’t you say that that many times when you come in, you’re giving me a lot and they’re like, wait a second, she’s mine and before it was always the three of us. So then sometimes it seems like maybe when the new person, the step-father comes in, it’s like maybe they see it three against one or maybe even you feel that way at times and there’s an ambiguity to your role because it’s not like you can step in, because you’re not daddy, right? So you don’t step in and just take on the role of Daddy. And I think my viewpoint, it seems that it’s hard to know what role you have as a step-father. Would you agree?

Bill: Yeah. Well I think it’s, it’s different in every situation. So although there’s some ambiguity to it, really my, my role and our situation is just to be a role model and to be an example, a possibility.

Like an advisor almost, right?

Bill: Yeah, as an advisor because they have their dad and they’re not gonna want to betray their dad and they’re not happy that there’s a new decision maker or advisor in the house. They were used to having just you as the person that, uh, they could go to or get questions answered or get favors, uh, uh, executed on. And now that I’m in the picture, it, a lot of times it doesn’t go their way and I don’t think that they liked that.

India: Right. What would you say you’ve learned from the parenting trials?

Bill: So what I’ve learned is that they’re going to, “they’re” meaning the kids. They’re going to accept you or reject you in their own time. And at least for, for my situation, uh, to try to force myself or try to force relationship is, as I’ve learned not the right approach. You know, it’s just going to come on their terms and it may take a really, really long time.

India: I saw a quote and I thought of you because you are the pillar of, um, stability and predictability and that’s a good thing. That’s not a bad thing. The quote is, “the greatest enemy of a child is a lack of predictability” and let me just tell you listeners, this guy is very consistent and very predictable. He gets up at 5:15, no, he gets up at 4:45 to go to the 5:15 class. And um, he has a routine and so it’s great, and I do think that quote is so necessary because kids need predictability and what, what do you have to say about that?

Bill: So I agree. You know, my, my world is based on, on structure, predictability and accountability. So while I have, I’ve had challenges trying to enact that for them. What I’ve discovered is that I just live by what I feel are good foundations, such as predictability and um, structure, environment and consistency. And then I just, I just have to let it be and let them choose their own reaction to that.

India: Right, right. You know, I also saw something that I like talking about, like we come into the marriage and we’re so excited about this new marriage, right? And we have this fantasy, we’re going to raise these kids together and it’s going to be awesome and we’re going to unite this family and we have these wonderful, um, idealistic fantasies is what they are. And then you come to the family and the kids see things a little bit differently. I think you told me a story once about the South African lady you met and she had a really good story for you that really put things in perspective. Will you share that with us?

Bill: Sure, sure. So I was, uh, sharing some of my experience with a mother of a rugby player that I used to coach. And, uh, she was asking me how the marriage was going and how it was going with her teenage daughters. And, uh, when I shared with her my experience, she said, you know, I went through the same thing. She says, my mom and dad got divorced when I was a teenager. My Dad was the perpetrator of the divorce as he went off and ran off with another woman and my sister and I had felt that it was my mom’s job and duty to raise us and to be looking after us. So the fact that she went off and, uh, fell in love and met, met another guy was a huge shock for her and her sister. And, uh, they not only reacted poorly to it, but they made it their mission to try to, to try to split up that relationship, which she did say they were successful after a period of time.

India: Oh, no. So it’s very hard for children to see their mother in any other role other than mother. So you know that.

Bill: Yeah, and they see that any action you take, other than that, is it betrayal to them.

India: Exactly. Exactly. Moving right along, I’m going to go to another question. What are some tools that are working in our relationship…with the children?

Bill: So some tools, really number one would be communication. So I know that you and I have communicated a lot and we recognize patterns. One of the patterns we recognize is that the girls are very needy for, uh, your attention. And so I specifically carve out time to let them be with you when they return from their father’s, for example, um, maybe in the early evening, uh, I let them have that time and I, uh, quietly exit the room so that they can have their important bonding time.

India: And he really does this. I mean, last night, I don’t think I said two words to you, other than looking over taxes, which wasn’t really, you know, a very fun conversation. It wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t, you know, an intimate conversation. And then I crawled into bed at 11:15 after dealing with boy drama with my teenager, so it’s true, there’s times where you like, I really don’t communicate or I don’t talk to you that night cause I’m spending a lot of time with the girls. But then you know, you give me that time and I think it is essential and necessary. And then on the weekends they go to their dad’s that’s when we come together again. I think that space, giving them that space to be close to me is very important. I think it’s helping things.

Bill: I agree 100%.

India: Yeah.

Bill: Cause I would, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be adding any value to that equation. You know, there’s also patience and compassion has the, you know, the way that I grew up, uh, myself and my brothers and sister were very self-reliant. We wanted to rely as little as possible onto mom or dad and so having some compassion around that, the fact that your girls enjoy spending time with you and they rely heavily upon you is a little foreign to me, yet I’m having more compassion and understanding for that, and so, that the patience factor when I feel that they should be doing things on their own, having patience and allowing them to, to be with you or to rely as heavily as they do on you.

India: Right, and I think that’s a good point that we come to the table to the marriage with our own culture. You know, you’re, you had a role of emptying the trash cans every day. Well, my girls, they got it a little bit easier than that. Let me tell you, they don’t have to do as many chores and so when you come in and you like, say you imposed your rules or your expectations on them, they’re not going to take to that. Right? And you can’t, you may come in and it’s, if you did that, it would be a bit of a cultural shock for everyone because they’d be like, who’s this guy coming in and telling us what to do? You know, so you have to have, um, you have to understand that they didn’t have a say so in our marriage, you know, and if they did, it probably would’ve been, “no.” I mean later I think it’ll be a different story. But right now, they just want mom. Well, I want to add some of the tools that, that are working is, you have to have a thick skin because you know, things are said then if you are at all sensitive, you’ll just crumble up in a ball and cry on the floor in the corner, Really! Things that, you know,

Bill: I don’t know if I’d be crying in a corner.

India: Well, you know.I mean.

Bill: Somebody might be crying, right?

India: I mean it’s, it’s, you have to have a thick skin cause things are said that aren’t often that nice. You have to have patience. And you mentioned compassion because, uh, divorce hurts kids. It’s just what it does. And so you do have to have compassion that these kids have been hurt. You also mentioned allowing that time to bond with the mother. That is crucial. Um, that’s definitely something that’s helped. And then creating a family ritual, like making them come to dinner, even if they’re not eating, making them come and sit at the table and share their day. I think that is huge. And you know, oftentimes we fall out of it, but I really try to enforce that. I think, that is so essential in creating closeness. And then, um, another thing you’re big on is contracts.

Bill: Yeah, so, so call it a contract, whether that’s a verbal contract or written contract. What it does is it states expectations and uh, directs behavior. And so, uh, far too often we see promises get unmet and without a proper consequence, then it’s not that big of a deal.

India: Right?

Bill: So, uh, you and I have been pretty effective in when there’s a, a request then rather than spit out an answer, we think about it and then come up with, uh, uh, if A, then B must happen. So that’s been proven pretty effective. And then what happens is it allows the consequence to be the bad guy and not you and I.

India: And you might not have the answer and you, it’s always perfectly okay to say, let me think about that. I don’t know just yet. I mean, I do that a lot. You know, when I don’t know how I should handle a situation, I just pause and let them stew too cause they’re like, oh no, what’s mom got, what’s mom up to? You know? So it is perfectly fine to take the time. To add to this, the tools I think, uh, well, prayer and keeping the communication open between us, the spouses is very important. And then of course we’re Christians so God is at the center of everything, center of our marriage, the center of our world. That’s my take on it. Those are the tools that I would say, um, if you have anything else?

Bill: So I do have one more tool and I think this sounds strange coming from a guy, yet you need a, a circle of men, like-minded men that you can share these stories with. Whether it’s a process of venting or whether it’s a process to, to come forward with a new strategy, yet, I go nearly every week to a men’s group, a men’s Christian group that we can discuss. We have a small prayer group, and we listen to a testimony from a, an individual. We talk about, uh, how God is working in their lives. And then we go to small prayer group and I can tell you many times my prayer group has helped me and prayed for compassion and understanding and wisdom.

India: That’s the end of our podcast and I want to thank you, my husband, for coming in and allowing me to interview you, thank you for being open to that and I hope you listeners have enjoyed the podcast. Know that you can always reach out to me at connect@indiakern.com and check me out on the website at www.Indiakern.com and have a beautiful day.