Guilt creates your own personal mental hell because it sits on the heart like a rock. It is a form of violence directed at the self. It keeps you from celebrating life because you are never at ease. In this episode I address : Why we have it, How to deal with it & The Spiritual take on it. Listen in and enjoy the podcast.

Welcome to the divorce recovery podcast. My name is India Kern. My intention is to encourage and guide you through the valley of divorce. It doesn’t matter what stage you are in because we all need a little help navigating the road from married to divorced. I’ve been there and I know how it is. So sit tight, listen up and enjoy the podcast. Today’s podcast is on guilt. Why do we have it? and how to deal with it and the spiritual take on it. So guilt can be a good thing. How so? You ask, well, let me tell you a story. I remember I was in high school. We had just graduated. So we went on a senior cruise to the Bahamas. On the cruise ship there was this souvenir shop. It was a gift shop. And along the wall were tons of plastic trinkets worth very little. My friend and I saw a key chain and our picture was on the key chain and she turns to me and she says, put it in your pocket.

I had never stolen anything in my life. And I succumbed to that and I put it in my pocket and I shoplifted that key chain. I’ll tell you this, I’ve never had so much guilt in my life. So often I share that story with my girls and tell them how shoplifting is never worth it. To this day, I still feel so guilty about that stupid plastic little key chain that I stole in the souvenir shop on the cruise ship. So guilt in this case can be a good thing. It’s like the internal alarm system saying, stop, don’t do that. You’re going against your code of ethics. Otherwise, if we didn’t have that, we would be stealing, pillaging and doing whatever we wanted. So that kind of guilt is necessary. But then there is the destructive guilt, the guilt that creates your own personal hell because it sits on your heart like a heavy rock.

It is a form of violence directed at the self. It keeps you from celebrating life because you are never at ease. In the back of your mind you hear, “you do not deserve this.” Guilt is heavy and extinguishes the light and joy within us. Many of us in divorce experience guilt that we have little control over. For me, I felt guilty that my first marriage had failed. I remember saying, if only I had been more loving. If only I had been more fun. If only I’d been more beautiful, maybe it would have worked out. This kind of guilt is rooted in low self esteem and a nonacceptance of the self. It’s a feeling of inadequacy. In our case, it is most likely around the feelings of failing and marriage. I mean, after all, I was a divorced Christian. I felt like I really blew it, so how did I shut off the mind chatter and tell it to stop, to dump those negative mind loops?

The way I got rid of it was developing and strengthening my spiritual practice. This meant reading, studying the Bible and understanding what God wanted from me. What I discovered is God is a loving God who does not want us to walk around feeling shameful about ourselves. God doesn’t focus on the sin. He focuses on the “sigh”. He hears you sigh, he hears what pains you. Let’s say your guilt stems from something you did to another person. Maybe you caused the breakdown of your marriage and you feel guilty about that. Now, here’s what you do. You take responsibility. You make amends to the ones you wrong, accept that you are human and ask for forgiveness. God will forgive you. Stop remembering what God has already forgiven and forgotten. Let me say that again. Stop remembering what God has already forgiven and forgotten and remember, no matter what you have done, you are never separated from God.

There’s nothing you can do or not do to make him love you any less. And how cool is that? Guilt can be extremely devastating because many times it blames the person “you” rather than the action. For example, let’s say a decision you made was bad or wrong, but guilt says you are bad and wrong. Then you get to walk around with this feeling of unease. This prevents you from truly living a life of fulfillment and joy. How could you with that sitting in the back of your mind? So it boils down to this, God has a plan for each and every one of us, but you may not be privy to it just yet. Just maybe this divorce was directed by God. What? What are you saying, a divorce that God was behind. That sounds crazy, right? I wanted nothing to do with my divorce and you could not have convinced me then that right after the fall of my marriage that I could create a life full of purpose and fulfillment, but with God’s help together we created a pretty nice life and now as I look back, I’ll call it destiny directed by God because I am sure he had a hand in my divorce and as a result of the marital crash and burn, I became a stronger Christian.

Just maybe that was the entire purpose of my divorce. So what brought me so much pain is now bringing me fulfillment as I share my stories with you. I want you to know my intention is to help you do the same. To find joy in your life post-divorce. It’s totally possible, but it’s going to require your full participation. It’s time to recreate, rebuild, restore, recover, and most importantly, rejoice. God healed me through divorce and I am forever altered in a good way. I think of the story of Jacob and how God wrestled with him, leaving him forever altered. He was left with a limp, physically lamed but spiritually awakened. The wrestling match left him dependent on God. He could not do life by himself and neither can you. After divorce, I want you to see yourself as forever changed, but not in a negative manner.

You do not have to carry the heavy burden of shame and guilt any longer. God doesn’t want you to be full of shame. He wants you to forgive yourself because that is what he does for you. It’s in his job description. So why would you hold onto something that violates you? Why would you hold on to guilt? He wants you to be free of the burdens of the past, letting go of what you cannot change. What’s done is done. It cannot be changed now. It can only be accepted. So if a thought is bringing you more misery than peace, let it go. You are not your divorce and you are not what guilt says you are. You are a child of God and God is reckless with his love. He loves unconditionally, so attempt to do the same for yourself. Just a little. I will leave you with the words of advice for my mother. You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had at the time. No need to punish yourself anymore. I hope this podcast has brought you encouragement today. Feel free to always reach out to me at connect@indiakern.com and have a beautiful day. Rejoice in today.