Here are 9 Rules to follow if you are walking through the valley of divorce with children in tow. There’s no need for you to make the same mistakes; I already did them for you! 🙂 Learn from me! Listen in and enjoy the podcast.

Welcome to the divorce recovery podcast. My name is India Kern. My intention is to encourage and guide you through the valley of divorce. It doesn’t matter what stage you are in because we all need a little help navigating the road from married to divorced. I’ve been there and I know how it is, so sit tight, listen up and enjoy the podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about walking through the valley of divorce with children in tow and to give you nine tips and they’re based on the mistakes that I made. So no need for you to do them yourself, learn from me. But first I really want you to hear what I’m about to tell you. No matter where you are right now on the divorce process, you must view this as an opportunity. As crazy as that sounds, this is your second chance to create your best life ever.

I know because I’m living proof. I did it along this journey. I started out as a victim immobilized by pain and trapped by the chains of my past, but I cut loose and I’m free now and I know you can too, but it’s time for you to break every chain that keeps you bound to a past that no longer exist. But first you must invite God along the journey. There is no other way and there’s no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. When you share your weakness with him, he will give you strength. Rule number one, always remain the parent. Do not blur the lines complaining to your kids about their father or their mother because it’s just unacceptable and it’s not fair to the children. Save those chats for a girlfriend or friends or a therapist, you’re going to have to be an example and teach your children how to love. You’re going to have to show them how to follow the greatest commandments ever given to us, which is love God and love your neighbor or your ex-husband or your ex-wife.

At times it can be really difficult, but you got to be the example for your kids to follow. Now rule number two is set boundaries. It’s easier to have loose limits because boundaries have to be enforced. It boils down to conviction over convenience and many times enforcing the rules is a lot more difficult than letting something go or letting it slide. But I will tell you if consequences are threatened and not executed, kids will prey on this weakness every chance they get and then you become a pushover. So set those boundaries. Rule number three, lose the guilt for being a divorcee. This is where you are. Stop regretting and start learning how to teach your children to become a godly man or a godly woman. Rule number four, do not abandon your children. Yeah, I said that. Abandon you say why? I’d never do that and it might seem like an inflammatory word, but let me tell you, in a crisis like divorce, you become an egocentric being.

Even when you have children dependent on you, it’s as if you don’t have enough bandwidth to meet anyone else’s needs but your own. I know I did it. You may be a very likable, generous person, but when you’re stressed to the Max, you are less capable of being a good solid parent. I remember losing pockets of time from being too self-absorbed in my own calamity, but I thank God for the earthly angels, that picked up where I was lacking. Here’s what happens, if abandonment continues, children look to their peers to find comfort. If they’re in the teen years, it may result in some kind of attention driven behavior such as using drugs, drinking alcohol or sexual promiscuity. They need to be valued and cherished by you, so you must engage your children and let them know you are available to them. You do this by wasting time with them, talking about the mundane, looking them directly in the eye, not texting, not looking at your phone ….and ask open-ended questions.

Be silly for crying out loud. You’re showing them did. They are your everything and you’re giving them your full undivided attention and that’s what they need. Number five, show a child he is good enough just because he’s a child of God, not because he’s a star athlete or she’s an above-average student. I heard the comedian Ken Davis describe life as a child and being bullied and the words have stuck with me. He says “they stepped on the carcasses of others to lift themselves up.” He was describing the cruel environment of high school and our kids spend seven to eight hours a day there. Hopefully, they are not in that situation, but we do know it exists. So you as a parent must clothe yourself with compassion for your child. Rule number seven, do not rush dating. No need to hurry the process because when a boyfriend or girlfriend enters the scene too quickly, it confuses the children.

They are then forced to redefine the family unit while they are still reeling from the breakup of family as they knew it. It’s kinda like an amputee who will always miss the severed limb. Sure they get used to it, but they would certainly like to have that limb back as the children would like to have that parent back in the house as well. So when you introduce the new man or new lady to your children and they don’t welcome them with open arms, do not force it. Instead, acknowledge they need more time. They may even show hostility towards the new person. To a child, the new man or woman is not daddy, not mommy. And having any kind of relationship with this person can seem like a betrayal to the other parent. So don’t get upset by it. Instead, allow space and time. Rule number eight, be understanding.

Life is hard for the average adolescent and divorce stacks more stress on top of an already complicated phase of life. Moving right along to rule number nine, be a coach when they’re young. We take on the role of being a cop. Basically, we’re trying to keep them alive, keep them from sticking their fingers in the electrical sockets and not putting dangerous poisonous material in their mouth, right? So as they age, we become a coach. When they’re in the adolescent years, that’s when they need to be trained, so train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it. That’s Proverbs 22:6 and as children grow, you set and adjust their limits. When they are on their own, they will know the direction to take. Don’t separate spiritual development from human development. Not only are you training a child to be a responsible adult, you are also training your child to be godly, which is the upmost virtue of human development.

In Latin, the word resilient translates to leap. Again, as a parent, it’s your duty to build yourself back up and leap again. At times you may find yourself in the pits, but how great is it to know you have a bigger purpose? Your child, your child needs a trainer and you fit that role, so get ready to jump and leap and laugh. Living a fully engaged life with your children. I hope you enjoyed this podcast. Feel free to always contact me at connect@indiakern.com Or look me up at indiakern.com. I’d love to have a one on one session with you. Thank you for listening.