So you’re facing a divorce? If I had to guess you‘re probably experiencing a number of emotions such as anxiety, fear, doubt and sadness. I get it. When I was staring down the face of divorce, I referred to myself as “being underwater,” unable to catch my breath. That’s also why I chose the image of high heels falling into a deep sea for the cover of my book, Surviving the Unwanted Divorce. I felt like I was sinking into an abyss of uncertainty, I was full of fear and I was “underwater.”

The funny thing about fear is that it doesn’t just go away. The day you realize you can walk on this journey with both fear and faith alongside each other, it’s a day of sweet victory. It can be tricky, I’m not going to lie. When my fear trumps my faith, I have to take inventory of my thoughts, so I do a truth exercise. I have included one here for you. Click here for the PDF 

Fear has the ability to incapacitate you, but little by little you start taking risks. And when you discover the risks didn’t kill you, you start to grow. You start to recognize your strength, and you realize you’re not so helpless after all.

I will never forget the night I conquered my TV and audio system. This is no small feat, mind you. I have an extremely difficult system that has been known to make AT&T technicians weep, giving up on all attempts at installation. One night, I decided to try my hand at it and…

that day I DEFEATED the TV/Audio Beast 

And after I became the Master Controller over my TV system, this newfound skill left me with a little pep in my step. You will find there will be small, but profound, victories that will boost your confidence and independence. But YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE CHANCE!

The electronics and the garbage used to be my ex-husband’s department. Let’s just say he was much better at the electronics. I can remember many days scrambling out of bed to put the cans at the curb when I heard the garbage trucks making their way down our street at 6:00 AM. When we divorced I had to take over these roles. I didn’t like it, but someone had to do it.

Even though I knew the TV and audio system couldn’t kill me (unless I got into the back wiring), I was  afraid I would mess up something.

SO WHAT IF I DID?!

I could also get someone in there to fix it, if need be. I took on the challenge, and I learned that I’m not so bad at what I thought wasn’t in my skill set. Now I feel pretty confident at any TV/ Audio dilemmas.

Why does this small victory matter? It seems pretty insignificant on the surface, but in reality, it was a huge triumph.  I had to step out of my comfort zone and be open to FAIL. Failure is an opportunity to do it better next time. Failure is how we learn.

Right now, what are you afraid to fail at?  Maybe it’s reading your Marriage Settlement Agreement. I understand…that’s about as much fun as getting a root canal, but it has to be done. Face that fear. Get a friend to read over it with you. My head was so cloudy when the MSA was drafted that I couldn’t even look at it. I solely trusted my lawyer. I do not recommend this at all. In fact, my advice is to get someone else who has experience in legal matters to translate it with you. It’s like deciphering code. It’s ok to ask for help.

Let’s circle back to the underwater imagery and “jump in” to a Biblical story that does an excellent job of illustrating my point of fear walking hand in hand with faith. It’s one that you’ve heard all your life, but I want you to listen with a new set of ears. We tend to gloss over the things that we think we already know.

Peter is in the boat with the other disciples. There’s a storm and they see what looks like a ghost walking on water. It’s Jesus. Jesus tells Peter to get out of the boat and walk. He steps over the bow and walks for a brief moment, until he takes his eyes off Jesus. Then he sinks like a stone into the sea.  Like Peter, when you take your eyes off of God and focus on the storm up ahead, you sink “underwater.”

If you focus on your limitations, YOU WILL SINK.

It’s time for you to “get out of the boat,” and face the fear head on. Even though you do not know what this new chapter will bring, God does. Trust Him or sink. This is faith defeating fear.

What does this look like? It means cultivating a grateful heart. Focus on your blessings, rather than your shortcomings and make time for God. It comes in the form of prayer, meditation and reading the Bible or a spiritual devotion.

Here’s the thing, certainty doesn’t exist. We think we control our lives, but anything can happen. Divorce for me was just that – a wallop of uncertainty. I didn’t plan it – no one does. But once I started trusting that God had his hand in the writing of my story, life became a lot easier.

When you start feeling like you are sinking in the depths of fear, look up and focus your attention on God and all that you have been given. Divorce can be a powerful storm; keep your focus UP. He’s got your back, I promise.

As a Divorce Recovery Mentor, I understand the pain you feel right now, because I have walked that same path. Together we can come up with a plan for your next step forward to reach a place of peace, purpose and clarity. The first thirty minute session is FREE. Contact me at connect@indiakern.com

Maybe you’re not quite ready to sign up for a session. I get it, you don’t know me yet. In the meantime, sign up for my blog and get oodles of free content that will definitely help you get through the valley of divorce. Sign up here.

One last thing: I am in the middle of creating a Divorce Recovery Online course, but I need your help. I want to set up a course that covers what YOU want and need. I want to know the burning questions that keep you up at night. I would be extremely grateful if you could take my three minute Pre-course Survey. I only collect data – no names. It’s completely anonymous. Click here for the Pre-course Survey

My name is India Kern, and I’m a divorce recovery coach. I guide you through the transition from married to “happily” divorced. I know it’s possible because I did it myself. You can create a life that you love after the devastation of divorce, and coaching is the catalyst that accelerates the change.

You have a choice, to either get “bitter” or get “better.” Are you ready to get “better?”